Authors Note: The following is based upon an actual event. I was about 12 at the time and remember being drawn to the story. Two girls killed themselves in an affluent community by shotgun. I had no idea what a fetish was then, but this is probably where it was born. Outside of knowing it was two young women, both over the age of eighteen and having recently graduated high school and about to enter college, and knowing it was a shotgun I have no other real details, newspapers don’t publish such things; therefore everything else (including the names, the real one’s I don’t remember) is fiction.

Dying to be With You

Linda took a sip of her wine as she crushed out her cigarette, “Jennifer, it’s time; your parents will be home soon.”

“I know sweetie,” Jen replied; “I just, well, I wish this night could last forever.”

Linda could tell Jennifer was getting cold feet; “that’s the point, isn’t it? There’s only one way we CAN make this last forever. This is forever hon. Otherwise we end up old, pissing ourselves and forgetting our own names. Only this is forever lover.” Linda hoped to bring Jen back from the edge, but who could blame her, this wasn’t really a light decision after all.

Jennifer briefly fingered the shotgun barrel by her thigh and said “I need another glass of wine. Linda?”

Linda acquiesced, presenting her half empty glass to Jennifer. Linda had sworn she would not be drunk when the moment came. She wanted to be lucid for everything. But if this was what would get Jen through, so be it.

Jen presented Linda with a newly filled glass, and setting her own on the nightstand proceeded to insert a fresh VS 120 menthol into her 10” cigarette holder. Linda followed in suit lighting her own Newport 100, her usual brand. “Jen so wanted to put on some elegant front this evening” Linda thought, “who am I to remind her we’re both atheists and therefore no one will ever possibly know about this moment.”

Linda smoked along with Jen until Jen was mostly done with her cigarette. “Jen, really; it’s time to go. Your parents will be here soon. We have to do this now if we’re going to. If you don’t want to I fully understand. I can leave now and we can forget the whole thing.” Linda was only half supporting Jen now; she began to doubt her own desire to die. The greatest portion of herself was hoping Jen would chicken out.

“Let me have one more after this and I’ll be ready” Jen said.

“There it is,” thought Linda. “The break in her resolve; one more will lead to another and so on until her parents rescue her. And me,” she thought.

Jen took a deep drag and exhaled. “Linda, I really hate to ask you this, but I cannot pull the trigger. Really. I’m not chickening out. I just need you to do it for me.”

You’re asking me to kill you?” Linda could scarcely believe her ears, this wasn’t part of the deal.

“Yes,” Jen replied.

Linda paused for a moment, taking the time to light a fresh cigarette. She took another contemplative drag, everything washing out through her head. It was one thing to commit suicide with a friend, another thing altogether to commit murder. Atheist aside, how does one kill someone they love? Linda took another drag of her cigarette and looked into Jen’s eyes; “Jennifer, do you really want to die?” she asked.

“Yes Linda, yes, more than anything. I’m so sorry if you think my request cast any doubt on my conviction. I want to die so badly, I want to die here tonight with you more than anything. But know, even if you walk out now, if you never see me again, I still want to die. I’ve wanted to die since I knew what it meant to, I just can’t pull the damn trigger. I’m not concerned with what it means or anything like that, I’m not concerned with the future since I know they’ll be none, I just can’t friggin’ do it. I need someone to do it for me, and I know the only way that will happen is if the person I’m with wants to end their own life, because otherwise they’ll be wanted forever and their life will never be fulfilled. I love you Linda, and I want you to die with me tonight, and if you don’t want to, I understand, and you shouldn’t be around me, for I need very much to find someone that will kill me.”

Jennifer took a final drag from her cigarette as Linda looked at her contemplatively. Instinctually they both lit fresh cigarettes as Linda uttered the words that would seal their fate. “OK Jen, then tonight we die. I’ll kill you first, then I will follow.”

“Linda, we need to be naked.”

“I know”

The girls striped each other’s clothes and made love to one another as hard and fervently as they could, each taking the other’s virginity. Finally spent, and basking in the afterglow Linda saw the time. Jen’s parents were already ten minutes late. She picked up the shotgun and pressed it against Jen’s chest. “Jen are you sure you want to die?”

Jen looked into Linda’s eyes, her world had just been truly opened for the first time, and she knew it had to be the last. “Yes, I’m VERY sure she said,” lighting a fresh cigarette.

“Jen, I’m not shitting around, we’re out of time, tell me.”

Jen tok a very contemplative drag on her cigarette staring in Linda’s eyes. “Linda, kill me, pull the trigger, blow my heart out, what do you want me to say? I want to die, yes, kill me.”

“Are you sure?” Linda asked.

Jen took another cheek hollowing drag and stated “Yes! Would you do it already?”

“Jen do you have any last words? Anything you want to do?”

“Yes, Linda, I love you, I love you more than anything. I’m glad you’re my killer, for you are my life, and you should be my death.” Jen then took a final drag from her cigarette, exhaled as she crushed it out then turned to Linda and said “please Linda, kill me now, I love you.”

With that Linda pulled the trigger on the shotgun.
Time crawled to a halt. Linda felt the shotgun press mercilessly against her shoulder blowing her back onto her ass. Jen’s body recoiled against the bed then rebounded. She coughed trying to catch her breath blood spewing out of her mouth. Linda dropped the gun and moved to stare into her lover’s eyes. “Does it hurt?” she asked. Jen coughed blood again whispering “no.” Then she stared hard at Linda, blood pouring both from her mouth and the gaping wound in her chest, “Love you” she coughed out through the blood as she raised her hand to Linda’s cheek. Then she lay still. Linda watched as the light went out from Jen’s eyes, and she knew she was dead.

Linda saw the headlights in the driveway and knew she had to act fast. She propped Jen’s lifeless body up next to her in the bed, her hand slipping into the ragged hole in her back as she tried to prop her up, feeling what remained of her lungs and the place that used to be her heart in the process. She placed the shotgun against her own chest but couldn’t reach the trigger. She then ran to Jen’s desk and plucked up a ruler she kept there and rushed back to the bed. She placed the butt end of the shotgun against the windowsill next to Jen’s bed and, clutching Jen’s dead body with her right arm stuck the ruler to the trigger with her left. Much to her surprise there was no pain. There was, of course, an instant sensation of great pressure in her chest, then nothing but a distant echo of a gun going off as if at a distance. She saw the blood spew from her chest as the shotgun recoiled across the room, tasted the blood as her body convulsed and expelled the blood pooling in her lungs through her mouth. She turned and faced Jen and noticed the streaks of crimson her lungs were depositing on her face as she embraced her with her last bit of strength. Then she felt herself floating, weightless, she felt herself rising above her body and looked down at the bloody mess she saw below. A gentle touch let her turn her head and she saw Jen there holding her hand. She embraced her knowing this was all just her mind playing tricks on her as a result of shock, knowing it was about to die. She allowed herself to fall gently asleep in Jen’s arms, for the last time, forever.

Copyright by M (2009).

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