Death by Tacos
Or
Texas Funeral
My name is Kathy Sue, an I got kilt last Satiday. It was like this: I was
drivin in ta Nachidoches (we say it NA ka dish... now I’ve heard tell those TV
guys on CNN say it all kine a ways, like NA chi doe chez an other horrible
things, but its NA ka dish. Take it from me) Well anyway, we live jus out sideah
town an I was goin up ta get some lineament for mama. (She’s got the Sciatica
awful bad) Well I was jus passing the Taco Bell when some fat tourist crossed
the street with a whole arm
load ah tacos and sodas. (Ain’t nobody BUT tourist that buy that poor excuse for
food, I guess he drinks Budweiser too) Well now Jimmy Walker – he don drive to
good at the best of times – joke around here is he is Johnny’s little brother an
he takes after the family – well Jimmy he swerved to miss the Tourist , an I had
to miss Jimmy, but I somehow hit the gas and flew over the curbin and right
through the winder of that Taco Bell. Somehow folks in side got outa the way,
which is
good, cause I don’t mean um no harm even if they do like crappy food. But the
pick up went straight through ta the kitchen and ran in ta the Frialator. Hot
grease went every which way and some landed on the radiator and started to burn.
Well In spite of all that I was ok for now, just a little banged up, but I was
stuck. I looked up an there was this huge pot, it must a been 20 gallons at
least, tipping off the top of the shelf. It was filled with sticky refried
beans. The last thing I remember was an whole mess of beans coming down on me.
The say I drown in all them beans, and that I would been okay but for everyone
sliding around on the grease and having to ta put out the fire first. (I tell ya
all that foam that Julie Beauregard shot all over me probly dint help none – She
works in the Taco Bell and has been mad at me ever since I beat her out for home
coming queen 2 years ago.) Well anyway, I was dead.
Well after they got the mess straightened out and dug me out from under all them
beans and extinguisher foam they stuck me in a bag and hauled me off to the city
morgue for a spell. And that was ok cause they stuck me in one of those cooler
things which seemed right pleasant after how hot it is outside this time of
year. In a little while later the folks from Mr. Thompsons funeral Parlor come
and got me thar. I should a known Mama would choose Thompsons cause they did
such a fine job of buryin Gramma a couple years back. So they took me to the
funeral parlor and cleaned me up nice. Mama brought over my home coming queen
dress which is real purty pink satin with lotsa lace and ruffles and stuff. I
wore it with the hoops in for the Homecoming but Mr. Thompson toll Mama I cudint
wear them hoops for the funeral cause they wouldn’t fit in the casket an even if
they did the skirt would bell out so much everyone could look in and see my
privates. Now I thought it would be kinna fun ta give the boys around town a
little thrill like that one las time, But one thing about bein dead is that no
one asks what you think about nothin’ no more. But they fixed me up real nice
anyway, in a real purty white casket and with my queens tiara on my head and
such so I looked jus fine.
Well papa he knew how much I liked a real bar be que. So he thought it would be
fittin ta fix one up for the folks that come ta see me there ar the funeral
home. So he an mama an all fixed up a real nice spread with back ribs and
burritos and a mess of mamas prize winnin chili, and a course there was a couple
of kegs of Lone Star beer ta wash it all down with. Mama she got right broke up
about seein me dead, but brother billy brung her a burrito an she was all right
after that. There was a couple hours of this feastin and stuff, and everyone
come inta the parlor an looked me over. I could a sworn I heard Julie Beauregard
whisper “good by and good riddance” It woulda been just like her ta shown no
respect.
Well It come around time for the buryin so they took me off to the graveyard ta
say a few words before they stuff me in the ground. That was just fine excepting
that the beans from that chili and Burittos started to kick in jus about the
time that the Peacher began a preaching. It weren’t a bad service, but it was
punctuated at times by some sounds that woulda made you think the groun was
anbout ta give way or something, and the aroma, my lord, you coulda floated away
ta heaven on all that gas and thought you was headed int the Brimestone for
sure. They managed ta get me buried anyway, but no one stuck around long I think
cause the rent also come due on the Lone Star.
So here I am, six feet under in the Nachidoches (remember that’s NA ka dish)
graveyard. Its purty quiet and peaceful here, and not to hot with all that dirt
over me. If the preacer is right I won’t have ta wait long fur Jesus ta come and
get me. I wonder if they got good chili in Heaven. Seems though I maight have ta
go the other way ta get it as hot as Mamas though. Well we’ll see about that
later.
Now Julie Beauregard got buried here a few weeks later. She had a down right
nasty crash herself including getting all her hair singed off in the fire so she
had ta have the casket closed. Nobody knows quiet how it happened, but as she
was dyin she kept cryin about a ghost in a pink dress in the middle of the road.
I don’t know at all what she could be talking about.
Copyright by Casketgal (2003).