A Real Life Story - Unsuccessful Suicide
I've found this unusual place on the Net quite by accident, I've read all of your articles and messages, and I've a strong desire to tell you the story of my own, thanks god unsuccessful, suicide. My aim isn't making anyone happy with this story; it's actually the opposite. Maybe my story will keep someone from an irretrievable step. Everything is so light and nice here... In fact, it's terrible. All I say is true. Believe it or not.
It happened fifteen years ago. I was nineteen then. I don't want to tell why I had decided to take my own life. At writing, these reasons seem stupid and unimportant. I am writing my story "at a gulp" as I am afraid I will never have the guts to reveal it to anyone. Sorry for haste.
So, I decided to hang myself.
In the shed, I found my father's belt, guess it was from his soldier uniform trousers. It was fairly wide and soft. On one end of it there was a buckle. I pushed the other end through the buckle and made a noose. It fastened and loosened freely, for the buckle could easily slide. I thought, that when I would hang, this noose would squeeze my throat so strongly that it would hurt. You might think, what a fool she was, she decided to hang herself and was afraid of pain! I suspected that would hurt, I didn't know how exactly strong the pain would be, but I thought that when the noose would have fastened around my neck, that would hurt very much, and why should I suffer if I may not. I took some scotch and made a bulge on the belt, so that my head could push through the noose, but this thickening didn't let the noose fasten completely over my neck.
Finally, the other end of the belt became too short to be tied to something. So I took some rope I found in the same shed and tied to the belt by a double knot. Now the length was okay.
The last problem was finding a place where to hang myself. It the house of my parents where I lived then, the bathroom was narrow and long. In the farther end was the lavatory pan. Near the left wall stood the bath, and next to it was a large metal urn heater. Right out of it stuck a short pipe with a shower on its end. Standing near the heater and looking up, one could see the attic window, and standing on its level one could reach out and touch large slanting beams, they are called rafters. I brought, climbed on it and reached out. I couldn't reach the rafters. So I also brought a small bench and put it on the chair. Now everything was okay. I tied the rope with the dangling noose to the rafters so that the noose was about the level of my face. Seizing the noose, I lifted my feet a little and pulled myself up to test the whole thing. Nothing came undone.
I jumped back to the floor again and took off my shoes and socks. What for? I don't know. It felt it instinctively. I guess there was a movie cliche in my mind: woman's nude feet above earth. In movies and books about war, whenever a woman was hanged, she was always bare. Then I took two straps from a gown and climbed onto the chair once again, the last time. Standing on the bench, I tied up my bare feet. Then I drew myself up to my full height and pushed my head into the noose, took my hair out of it, and moved the knot (the place with the thickening) behind my neck. Holding the other strap, I moved my hands behind my back and tried to tie them, also. The knot wasn't really good, but I didn't pay any attention to it.
Taking a deep breath, I squatted slightly till the noose pressed my neck. Then I squatted again and raised my feet. I was immediately carried away by the rope half a meter aside the chair, so when I stretched my feet again, there was nothing below them. I began to slowly revolve, the heater, the door, the wall were sliding before my eyes. The noose hurt, but not too much. I didn't suffocate yet, little by little everything was going dark before my eyes. My head filled with unknown noise, I heard a feeble hiss coming from my throat. A wave of something warm and prickly went around my body, as if there were pins in it. I started suffocating, tautened the muscled and tried to take a breath. Nothing happened. I felt panic.
Remembering I was revolving near the chair-and-bench construction, I stretched my legs to reach the bench, but instead of standing upon it, pushed it on the floor. Making another turn, I understood I couldn't reach the chair, either.
My body was already numb, I was losing the thread of my thoughts, I felt pain, I wanted to breathe. My lungs enlarged wildly inside of me. I jerked and the weak knot on my hands came undone. My hands were now free and I rose then to catch the rope and pull myself up - but I couldn't. I spread my arms and reached the wall. My revolving stopped. To the left was the heater with its shower pipe. I seized the pipe, but it was on the level of my chest and all I could do was pulling it while the rope was pulling me in the opposite direction. At that moment I didn't feel anything, there were no thoughts in my head. My consciousness began to disappear, for the next things aren't very clear in my memory: I remember my body jerk, the toes of the tied bare feet scratched the shiny surface of the heater. I lost and gained consciousness again several times, and each time I remember this insane reflex jerking. I can't tell for how long it was going on. Afterwards, I read that time seems eternity for the hanged. I can tell you that is absolutely true. Then I lost consciousness for a longer period of time, and the following memories are very vivid. I suddenly woke up and saw myself hanged, with my hands pulling the heater pipe, and was very surprised. My mind was so clear as it had never been before. Squinting to the left, I saw our washing machine set near the heater on the opposite side. I waved my feet from left to right and fortunately set my feet upon the washing machine. At the same time I took a breath and hardly kept myself from falling down again, for this feeling was so intoxicating, but spreading my arms, I held my body on the washing machine.
I stood there for a few minutes till I felt good enough to try to get rid of the noose. It was not an easy thing to do. I couldn't pull my head out of it, this required a few more inches. After some thinking, I moved the knot from behind my neck to my chin. Holding the rope with my right hand, I took the buckle in my left. Then I jumped up, the rope weakened, I pushed the buckle away, and fell down on my back. I could never do such things neither before, nor afterwards.
Then it took me some time to conceal the evidence of my suicide. There were dark-blue narks on my neck. Fortunately, the belt was flat and left no wounds. It was early spring. I wore a high-collar sweater for about ten days. Neither my friends, not my parents ever learned about this. Nobody knows about it even now.
Now I feel I have to tell someone. Everybody should read and think it over. This is no fantasy, this is a real fact that happened to me. I tried my best to describe my feelings and thoughts. Sometimes I remember my horrible sufferings in the noose, and they were really horrible, no matter whether or not have I managed to convey it. The reasons why I wanted to kill myself soon seemed stupid. I will never even think of taking my own life. I say, life sometimes is hard and poor, but it is paradise in comparison with death.
I tell you this.